I’ve always struggled a bit to accept the limits on my life. They are those things that I have very little control over changing, and need to learn to navigate life with them. Accepting limits isn’t something our culture here in the US is very good at either. We are constantly told to push against limits, even if that’s not always possible (or wise). Some limits—like a season of life we are in, a disability we were born with, a crisis we are facing, or a chronic illness we’ve been diagnosed with—don’t have a fix or a solution. On some level we need to accept that our limits might not allow us to do all that we used to do, or what other people can easily do.
At the end of 2019 I slammed into a wall battling chronic insomnia. Night after night I would lay awake, or possibly sleep for an hour or two if I was really lucky. I ran on pure adrenaline through my days, attempting to function normally so I could still work and take care of my household. I did what I could to deal with this limit: changed my diet, altered my bedtime routine, examined areas of stress in my life, exercised more, saw multiple doctors, tried prescribed medicines. Nothing helped significantly enough to deliver me from the exhaustion and mental anguish of sleeplessness. I came face to face with my limit and there was no getting around it.
Coming to the end of myself and what I could do in my own strength to deal with this issue has been insanely hard. I’ve felt like a failure for not conquering it. I’ve felt lazy when I can't get through an eight-hour workday. I’ve felt misunderstood and judged by people I know who think I should be able to pop a pill and deal with it. I’ve felt frustrated at myself for not having the energy to do all that I dream of doing in my business and in my life.
But in the middle of this storm of emotions I also have found comfort, and peace. Peace that I was held by One who was bigger than all my issues, and that He is enough even if I don’t have the strength to get through a day.
God met me in this horrible, horrible time when I felt like I was going a little bit crazy. He taught me to have grace for myself, to be kind to myself and not to drive myself too hard because my worth is not based on what I do, but rather it’s based on His love. It was during these sleepless nights where I would sit on my couch at 2am that I began to really see the beauty of the beloved Psalm 23.
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
The Lord is my shepherd. That means He is looking out for me. Always. Especially when I am too weak. He has come to save me. He carves out a place where I can rest. He knows just what will restore me and He provides everything I need, beginning with Himself. He guides me with His perfect wisdom. He fights for me. He is generous and good to me, and He loves me.
It was only after I began to acknowledge my limits to God and ask Him to fill in the gaps that I began to sleep again. Not eight hours a night. Not even six. First two hours, then three, and now a steady four or maybe five.
Over a year later, I still struggle with insomnia. Some weeks I have several bad nights in a row. Thankfully I do sleep a few hours most nights, but I don’t know what it’s like to get seven or eight hours of solid sleep anymore. But God gives me the grace for each day. He is my shepherd and takes care of me. When I am frustrated at this limit in my life, He is faithful to provide in countless ways - like making a way for me to work from home and rest when I’m tired. Or giving me energy for my tasks just when I need it. Or giving me wisdom about what I can say no to and let go of, and what I can entrust to His care.
It has been difficult to live with this limit, but I know I do not have to be afraid of what lies ahead. The Lord is my shepherd, and He is taking care of me.
